A letter of condolence does not have to be perfect. What counts is sincere sympathy and the desire to stand by the mourners. This guide will help you put your feelings into words, find the right closing sentence for your condolence card and choose words of comfort.
The Foundation: Sincerity and a Personal Touch
Striking the Right Tone: Write as You Would Speak
In our uncertainty, we often resort to formal phrases or distant clichés. Yet, it's precisely the personal touch that gives a letter of condolence its comforting effect. Write as you would speak. Share your genuine feelings and avoid excessive formality.
Anna recently lost her mother. A long-time friend wrote to her: "When I was in my garden this morning, I had to think of your mother. The dahlias she gave me last year are just beginning to bloom. Like her – full of life and color. I miss our chats over the garden fence."
Sharing Valuable Memories: A Gift for the Bereaved
If you knew the deceased, your memories are a precious gift to the bereaved. Personal anecdotes and shared moments often provide more comfort than general expressions of sympathy. They show that the deceased is not forgotten and has left a mark.
Thomas wrote after the death of his colleague Peter:
"Dear Schmidt Family,
The news of Peter's death deeply affected me. We shared an office for 15 years, and his dry humor made even the most stressful days bearable. Just last week, he proudly told me about Lisa's first day of school – his eyes lit up, as they always did when he spoke of his children.
I simply want to tell you: Peter was not just a valued colleague, but a true friend. We will all miss him dearly.
Thomas"
What You Should Avoid: Pitfalls and Inappropriate Clichés
Sometimes, well-intentioned words can inadvertently intensify the pain of the bereaved. Be sure to avoid the following:
Typical Clichés That Often Don't Comfort
- "Time heals all wounds." – Grief takes time, and this statement can trivialize the current pain.
- "He/She is in a better place." or "It was God's will." – Respect that not everyone finds comfort in religious or spiritual notions.
- "I know exactly how you feel." – Everyone grieves differently. Unless you have had a very similar experience, this statement is often unhelpful.
- "You have to be strong now." – Mourners are allowed to be weak and show their feelings.
Other Things You Better Not Write
- Giving unsolicited advice.
- Downplaying the situation or the other person's pain.
- Shifting the focus to yourself and your own experiences of grief, unless it serves as a brief, connecting element.
- Asking intrusive questions about the death or the circumstances.
- Criticizing the deceased or highlighting negative aspects.
Structure and Content: What Belongs in a Letter of Condolence?
A clear structure helps you organize your thoughts and not forget anything important.
A Clear Structure for Your Words of Sympathy
Salutation
Choose an appropriate and personal salutation. Examples:
- Dear [First Name of the bereaved],
- Dear [Surname] Family,
- Dear Bereaved Family,
- My dear [First Name],
Introduction
Express your sorrow and dismay over the loss. Briefly mention how you learned of the death, if appropriate.
Example: "I was deeply saddened to learn of the death of your dear mother." or "The news of [Name of the deceased]'s passing has deeply shaken me."
Main Body
This is the core of your letter. Here you can:
- Honor the deceased: Mention positive qualities, special achievements, or what you valued about him/her.
- Share a personal memory (see above).
- Express your sympathy for the bereaved: Show understanding for their pain and grief.
Offer of Concrete Help
Offer practical support (more on this in the next section).
Inserting Comforting Words and Sayings About Death (with care)
A fitting saying or a short quote can offer comfort but should not replace your personal words. Choose words that suit the situation and the deceased.
Examples of short, comforting sayings:
- "Memory is a window through which we can see you whenever we want."
- "What you have deep in your heart, you cannot lose through death." (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
- "People we love stay with us forever, for they leave footprints in our hearts."
Use such quotes sparingly.
The Right Closing Sentence for Your Sympathy Card or Letter
A good conclusion rounds off your letter of condolence and underscores your sympathy. Here are some phrases for the closing sentence of your sympathy card:
- In silent remembrance
- With deepest sympathy
- With sincere condolences
- We mourn with you
- With heartfelt sympathy
- Sending you a comforting hug
- With quiet thoughts
- Our thoughts are with you
- Wishing you strength during this difficult time
Closing and Signature
Conclude with a suitable closing and your handwritten signature.
Examples: "In deep sorrow," "With heartfelt sympathy," "Sincerely, [Your Name]".
Practical Support and the Right Timing
Offering Concrete Help: More Than Just a Cliché
In the initial period after a death, many bereaved individuals feel numb. Everyday tasks can become insurmountable hurdles. Instead of the usual cliché "Let me know if you need anything," it is more helpful to offer concrete support:
- "I could take Emma and Tim to the park on Saturday to give you some time for yourself."
- "I'm making a large batch of Bolognese this week – I'll bring some over for you."
- "Shall I accompany you to your appointments next week?"
- "I'd be happy to make some phone calls for you or help with preparations for the funeral service."
The Right Time for Your Letter of Condolence
Many people hesitate to send a letter of condolence because they are unsure if the right moment has passed. The truth is: it is never too late for sincere sympathy. Often, mourners are overwhelmed by expressions of condolence in the first few days, while weeks later they may feel very alone. A letter that arrives after some time can be particularly comforting then.
Modern Ways of Expressing Sympathy: More Than the Classic Letter
Although a handwritten letter is still considered particularly appreciative, there are various ways to show sympathy today:
- Handwritten Letter: Remains the most personal and often most valued form.
- Email: A personal email can be just as comforting as a letter – provided it is formulated with equal care. It is particularly suitable for people who live further away or when speed is important.
- Messenger Services (WhatsApp & Co.): Quite appropriate for close friends and relatives for an initial, brief expression of condolence. However, a more detailed, personal message should follow via other means.
- Social Media: You should only post public condolences on social media if the family themselves have shared the news there and wish for it. When in doubt, a private message or a more traditional method is always better.
- Online Condolence Books: Many memorial portals or funeral directors offer online condolence books. These allow thoughts and memories to be shared publicly or privately and are a nice addition, especially if one cannot be present in person.
An Example from Life, Straight from the Heart
When Maria died after a long illness, her daughter Sarah received this letter from Maria's long-time neighbor:
"Dear Sarah,
Ever since I had to say goodbye to your mother, I walk past her kitchen window every morning and miss our little chat over the garden fence. Sometimes I imagine she's still standing there, coffee cup in hand, scolding the cheeky sparrows picking at her freshly planted flowers.
Your mother was a special person. When I was stuck at home with a broken foot three years ago, she brought me one of her legendary soups every other day. 'Neighborhood is like a second family,' she always used to say.
I know the time ahead won't be easy. If you like, just come over for a cup of coffee. My door is always open to you. And if you ever don't have the strength to cook – you know, my kitchen is just a garden fence away.
In loving memory,
Gisela"
This letter shows what matters: It is personal, shares concrete memories, and offers practical support. It comes from the heart and avoids clichés.
Conclusion: Write from the Heart – That's What Matters Most
A good letter of condolence doesn't have to be long or contain perfect phrasing. What counts is your sincere sympathy. Share your memories, show your feelings, and offer concrete help. Sometimes, just a few honest words are enough to provide comfort and give the bereaved the feeling: You are not alone.
Always remember: The fact that you take the time to express your sympathy is already a valuable gesture of support.
Your Questions – Our Answers About Letters of Condolence
Here you will find answers to some frequently asked questions about writing letters of condolence:
How long should a letter of condolence be?
There is no fixed rule for length. More important than word count is the sincerity of your message. Often, a few heartfelt paragraphs are perfectly sufficient. Sometimes a short, intimate sentence is more comforting than a long treatise.
What do you write if you didn't know the deceased well?
Focus on your sympathy for the bereaved. You can express your condolences for their loss and perhaps mention something good you heard about the deceased or the positive aura he/she had. A sentence like, "I didn't know [Name of the deceased] very well, but I know how much he/she meant to you, and I am truly sorry for your loss," can be appropriate.
Should one enclose money?
In some regions or families, it is customary to enclose money for grave care, a later donation in the name of the deceased, or to support the bereaved. If you wish to do this, mention it discreetly in the letter (e.g., "Enclosed is a small contribution for later grave adornment."). However, it is not a must and depends on the relationship and circumstances.
To whom do I address the letter if several people are grieving?
Address your letter to the closest bereaved relatives. This could be the widow/widower, the children, or the parents. A general salutation like "Dear [Surname] Family" is often appropriate. If you know one person particularly well, you can also address them directly and include the family: "Dear [First Name], and dear bereaved family,".