When someone close to us dies, we often feel helpless. We want to show our sympathy to the bereaved and offer comfort, but the fear of choosing the wrong words is great. What do you write in a bereavement card when you don't have the words?
The good news first: the gesture alone counts and shows your sympathy. However, some thoughtless phrases, even if well-intentioned, can put additional strain on mourners. This guide will help you avoid the most common pitfalls and find truly comforting words.
If you're looking for direct examples and inspiration, here are our 10 short sympathy card templates.
Mistake 1: Using empty phrases and clichés
Phrases such as "Time heals all wounds", "Life goes on" or "He's in a better place now" are probably the best-known examples. They are found in countless cards, but rarely do they provide real comfort.
Why is that a mistake?
Such phrases seem impersonal and can devalue the mourner's individual feelings. They give the impression that you have not really dealt with the loss. For a person in deep grief, it doesn't feel like time is healing wounds - the pain is present now.
What you can do instead:
Be honest: If you don't have the words, say so. Honesty is more authentic than any empty phrase.
Dear [name],
I am stunned by the news of [name of deceased]'s death and can hardly find the right words.
Share a specific memory: A personal anecdote is often the most comforting gift.
I'll never forget how [name of deceased] made everyone laugh with his humor at our last meeting.
Use more profound words: If you are looking for suitable quotes, our extensive collection of the most beautiful funeral sayings can be a valuable source of inspiration.
Mistake 2: Referring the grief to yourself
Phrases such as "I know exactly how you feel" are often well-intentioned. You want to signal solidarity. But they often have the opposite effect.
Why is that a mistake?
Every grief is unique. Even if you have suffered a similar loss, you cannot know exactly how another person is feeling. Such statements can diminish the other person's feelings and unintentionally focus attention on your own story.
What you can do instead:
Acknowledge feelings without comparing them: Show that you see the pain without appropriating it.
I can only imagine how painful this loss must be for you and your family.
Focus on the recipient:
My thoughts are with you/you at this difficult time. I wish you all the strength in the world.
You can also find more tips on the right words to use in our guide to formulating messages of condolence.
Mistake 3: Giving unsolicited advice
"You have to be strong for your children now", "You shouldn't cry so much" or "Try to distract yourself" - advice like this is rarely helpful.
Why is this a mistake?
Grieving people are already under enormous emotional pressure. Advice can increase this pressure and make them feel that their way of grieving is "wrong". There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
What you can do instead:
Signal acceptance and support: Allow the grieving person to allow all their feelings.
Take all the time you need to grieve. I'm here for you if you want to talk - or even if you just want to keep quiet.
Mistake 4: Making vague offers of help
The classic offer of help: "Get in touch if you need anything."
Why is this a mistake?
A grieving person often doesn't have the strength or the mental space to ask for help or to be specific about what they need. The well-intentioned offer shifts the responsibility back to the grieving person.
What you can do instead:
Make concrete, low-threshold offers that the other person only has to answer with "yes" or "no". This removes a hurdle.
Tip: Offer concrete help
"I'm going shopping on Wednesday, can I bring you something?"
"Can I bring you a cake on Sunday?"
"I could mow the lawn next week if that would be a help."
If you feel that you need professional support, organizations such as the Telefonseelsorge Deutschland are an important point of contact that can be reached at any time.
Mistake 5: Choosing the wrong tone or the wrong medium
A short WhatsApp message with a crying emoji, overly casual language or addressing old conflicts are out of place in a bereavement card.
Why is this a mistake?
The form of the condolence should be appropriate to the occasion and your relationship with the mourner and the deceased. An inappropriate form can quickly be perceived as disrespectful.
What you can do instead:
- Favor the handwritten card: it is almost always the best choice because it shows effort and personal appreciation.
- Maintain a respectful tone: When in doubt, it's better to be a little more formal than too casual.
- Use digital messages wisely: A short message of condolence via Messenger is only appropriate if it is your usual method of communication and the relationship is very close. However, it should complement rather than replace a personal card.
Our guide to writing a letter of condolence will give you more confidence in your choice of words.
Mistake 6: Enclosing money without comment
In Germany, it is quite common to enclose money with a condolence card, often as a contribution for flowers or grave care.
Why is this a mistake?
However, if the banknote is placed in the envelope without comment, this can come across as impersonal - as if you are trying to "buy your way out" of a sincere gesture.
What you can do instead:
Give the money a clear, dignified purpose with a short sentence. This shows that you have given it some thought.
As a small contribution for the grave decorations.
For a beautiful bouquet of flowers in memory of [name].
As a small contribution towards upcoming expenses.
The financial burden after a death is often high, as our article What does a funeral cost? shows. A financial gesture is therefore often very welcome.
Mistake 7: Doing nothing out of fear
The fear of making one of the mistakes mentioned above sometimes leads to people not getting in touch at all. But this is the biggest mistake of all.
Why is this a mistake?
Silence can be interpreted by mourners as disinterest or indifference. The feeling of being left alone in their grief is often more hurtful than a clumsy but well-intentioned formulation.
What you can do instead:
Overcome your insecurities. A short, simple but sincere card is infinitely better than none at all. A simple sentence like "We are with you in our thoughts" can already provide a lot of comfort.
If you are unsure, use one of our short bereavement card templates as a starting point and add a personal, warm-hearted thought.
Conclusion: authenticity beats perfection
Writing a bereavement card is not about literary perfection. It's about compassion, sincerity and the message: "You are not alone in your grief." The most important piece of advice is therefore: get in touch. Your sympathy is a valuable and comforting gift for the bereaved.
If you are faced with the task of publicizing a bereavement yourself, our tool will help you to create a dignified digital obituary. Also discover our guide to designing obituaries to find personal and honoring words for the farewell.